I dated three people and ended 3 relationships in 2021, 2022, and 2023. These are the discussions.
2023: The Morning After
I’m writing this the morning after I broke up with someone. I call this ‘The Morning After’, because I’m having regrets. Wasn’t she a wonderful woman? Wasn’t she supportive, loving, kind, accepting, trusting, warm, and above all, a little naughty, a little mischievous, a little playful, a little fun? Aren’t these all the qualities I longed for in the partner?
But for some reason, I just could not feel joy in spending time with her. Sometimes, I took my time answering her texts; sometimes I would wait until it was polite, then skedaddle, not spending a moment more with her than I thought was polite. I was very clearly not doing enough as a partner — that in itself was a good reason to break up. I was being a deadbeat partner, doing the bare minimum, skating by.
It turned out she felt the same. She sent a sweet farewell text, as long as a letter. I don’t think she meant to twist the knife, but the brutally honest fact was that she felt the same — the relationship was good, not great — but the difference was she decided to give it time. She watered her garden; she showed up as a partner; she tried to be the best partner possible, and, after a while, she said she fell in love.
Her farewell, “For the last time, I love you, Darren”, broke me.
So, the morning after: I’m wondering if I made a mistake. If I squandered my last chance at love. If I threw away the best partner I ever had, the one who built me up and supported me and made me feel amazing and gave me the best self-esteem I’ve had in a relationship, if I threw it away just because I didn’t show up as a partner, because I was romanticizing and hoping for rainbow sparks and firework unicorns, because I thought focusing on a degree was more important than finding lasting happiness.
This is why How Not To Die Alone suggests you write down the rationalisations and reasons to break up before you do it.
The question that will haunt me is this: “If I had shown up for her, if I really invested in making her happy, would I have felt the love for her I wanted to?” Excellence is not an act, but a habit; we are what we repeatedly do. If I have watered my garden with her, would I have felt the buy-in, the investment, the love that I had for her grow?
I generally get good at what I put my mind to. Maybe not great, maybe not expert, maybe not even good — but with dedication, time, and focus, I get better. Perhaps this is my lesson for 2023: water your grass, set the goal to be excellent at something, do good. Actually show up, and be invested.
2022: The Healthier Choice
This will sound like bullshit, but Ted Lasso changed my life.
Wikipedia calls it a light sports comedy-drama, but it gave me a fresh new outlook in life: positive, hopeful, optimistic, even while acknowledging how difficult life is for everybody and having compassion for other people’s problems.
I took a broader view on things; started developing a positive mental attitude, and even started preaching The Healthier Choice: just my own catchphrase for trying to do the right thing, or at least the right thing by people, or at least trying to be healthy.
I met a wonderful person, and four months later got dumped again.
Here are the breakup thoughts:
- Care in communication. When people talk, listening is important. But being able to remember what is said is also important.
When you forget stories being told, or forget details being shared, some people feel like they aren’t heard, or listened to, or taken seriously, or even as if you do not regard them well.
Take care, and take notes. - Give generously of your time. This is the second time someone’s criticized my time management, viz., not spending enough time with them.
People feel hurt if you are always busy, if you never have time for them. Make time for them.
It’s important to set up boundaries and protect your personal me time or sanity, but it’s also important to make them feel like you can’t wait to spend time with them. - Give more than you get – regardless of the current status, always be proactive; in suggesting new ideas, in moving forwards, in planning.
- Make a lot of money. Money does not solve problems, but being poor and working-class is a problem for many.
The secret, zeroth lesson to be learned here is perhaps this:
Boundaries come first,
boundaries come early,
boundaries come firm.
Instead of trying something out and renegotiating after, the lesson appears to be to set firm boundaries and comfort zones early and strictly (i.e. “No”), then move them after.
2022 – Improvements from 2021
I wanna take a moment to recognise that compared to 2022, I have learned to:
Don’t settle.This was a doozy – I definitely did not settle and continue to punch above my weight, finding wonderful, lovely, smart, capable partners.
I also did not settle for being a temporary partner, or anything less than what I wanted: an endgame partner, someone to marry and live the rest of my life with.Don’t label and put yourself down; My circumstances haven’t improved so much, but I’m definitely on the up-and-up again and I gave myself credit for lots of positive thinking and changes.
I still make self-deprecating jokes, and I do still have dark thoughts, but I do not put myself down, and I am not a failure.
I obviously still have some lessons to learn, though:
- Say what you mean, don’t dance around the subject – I could be better about saying exactly what I mean, being brave enough to explicitly state my intentions.
This is something I’m working with my therapist on, becoming a person of personal integrity — saying what I mean, meaning what I say, and not softening my meaning or blunting my intentions. - Take people at face value – when people tell you things, trust them. This one was another doozy for another reason; I felt burned for trusting people.
I listened carefully, heard what was said, and took her at face value. Maybe I should have listened three times and trusted my First Sight and Second Thoughts (and Third Thoughts…)
Regardless of my personal disappointments and hurts, and I take the point and the lesson.
But I am still not going to give up on trying to live and become healthier.
2021: The Talk, Part III
Aug 2028, 2021
For 8 months, I’ve been doing a dance with this girl. She is amazing, wonderful, superlatively, smart, everything.
She is also incredibly emotionally mature.
The first time, she said:
I don’t see a future for us together.
“You are not complete; you are not whole in yourself, and you are not confident that you will find happiness.
“If you are incomplete and unsure of yourself, how can I be sure of you?”
I asked her again a second time. And a third time, tonight; The Talk, Part III.
This time, she said:
“I don’t see a future for us together.
You are not complete; you are not whole in yourself, and you are not confident that you will find happiness. If you are incomplete and unsure of yourself, how can I be sure of you?”
She also said some things I needed to hear:
- Don’t settle. Otherwise, you’ll be unhappy long term
- Say what you mean, don’t dance around the subject
- Don’t label and put yourself down; give yourself credit
- Take people at face value – when people tell you things, trust them.
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