Failure, drowning, and optimism.
today:
I got my first job-application rejection of the year. It hit me quite hard, because all I got was an image on my list of applications:
No discussion, no rationale, nothing to learn.
To be fair, I am a failure; I am underqualified for the role (I only apply to jobs I want, which means slightly beyond my grasp); and I should not be surprised.
I should not be surprised; if I’m doing this right, this is only the first of many.
It stings, but it should be the sting that I hardly even register, like the ache of muscles after a workout, or the burn in my lungs during the run. Just something to get used to, like rowing.
I have to keep going, keep applying. nobody is coming to save you
past:
One of my formative experiences was drowning.
Of course, I also drowned unsuccessfully. One moment I was swimming with my kickboard, the next someone kicked the board away, and I was flailing in the water.
I vaguely remember struggling, my head going above and below the water as I tried and flailed and waved for help. One, two, three, down.
What really hurt, later on, when I thought about it, was how nobody noticed. I was at a pool party, plenty of kids in the water, plenty of adults all around. I must have called for help — I don’t remember, and I’m really trying not to — and nobody helped.
I panicked. I struggled. My hand hit the wall and I climbed out, gasping. I looked around.
Nobody noticed. Some kid gave me a glance and kept moving; nothing to see here.
Nobody was coming to save me; nobody came to save me.
I nearly drowned as a kid, and I’m still afraid of water today, but it changed me in more ways than that.
nobody is coming to save you
tomorrow:
“nobody is coming to save you”
I actually read that in quite an optimistic book — Build The Life You Want, by Oprah Winfrey and some doctor — that was uplifting, self-help, and encouraging optimism and hope.
Maybe I had a little too much optimism towards my job applications. It was progress, I made a bold application slightly out of my reach, but often times progress is invisible, the straining of the muscles against the bar just before it moves.
The book said, “nobody is coming to save you — so you have to take responsibility and save yourself”. It’s an exhortation to action, a call-to-adventure: get going.
Time for me to get going.