Every few weeks, I have a session with my coach Nick Chin. He’s got an MBA, a career in tech at Deloitte, Apple, and Google, and he sets me ‘homework’ for every session.
This session, the homework is simply to take and observe emotions, so this is my written homework.
Got a Haircut: Happy
24-Sep-2021
I got a haircut and I felt really happy. I felt like I took action for myself, I invested in time for myself, and it was worth it. I also liked the way I looked and smiled in the mirror.
I care about hair
I obsess about my hair, but from the inside; not the way it looks, but the way it feels. I feel warm all the time, which is why I love side fades and high slopes, and ultramodern short haircuts: I feel (thermodynamically) cooler, and I can actually feel the breeze on my neck when I run.
Spending time on myself
If I could, I would get a fade and close crop every month. But I don’t, because haircuts take time. There’s a half-hour waiting period, plus another half hour for the actual cut, and my barber of choice is an hour away by bus. It feels decadent to spend three hours going out for just a haircut, which is exactly what I did on Friday.
How I see myself vs How the barber sees me
During the cut, I remember feeling like my barber was the modern equivalent of a Fairy Godmother. He’s the Michaelangelo to my hair: he took one look at the overgrown tangle of shower-clogging ultradense dark matter and freed it into gravity-defying luxurious volume. Even when I don’t want any, he manages to sell me a little bit more.
Barber: “Cut the top?”
Me: “No, no need, just back and sides.
Barber: “Little bit, cut the top?”
Me: “…okay.”
And then he does whatever the hell he wants, which of course turns out better than I expected.
The haircut made me feel taller, made me walk with prouder chest and broader shoulders, made my feet float off the ground instead of slipping and slinking quietly, unseen. For a few hours, I walked around taller and happier.
The Gym Habit Trilogy
The offer: Excitement (28-Sep-2021)
On the way to get groceries, I saw a new gym open near my place, and I felt excited for it. My mind was afire with possibility. I knew it was time to get
About two years ago, to the day, I bought myself a gym membership for the second time in my life, and then six months later we ran straight into the teeth of Covid. I do remember seeing visible progress — angry, unhappy, unwilling progress — but strength and power all the same.
This time feels different. Hopeful. Maybe it’s the cabin fever talking, but it feels like an opportunity to get started and try growing the personal best again. The excitement feels like a mountain in the distance, slowly getting closer, with the promise of a beautiful view on the way up the mountain. It also filled my heart with a lightness of heart, a feeling of eagerness.
The offer: Groundedness (29-Sep-2021))
On my way home after signing the contract, I felt grounded. It felt like the first brick in the wall, or breaking ground at a construction; it felt like a firm commitment. It felt like a vote towards a healthier, tougher me, and I felt more grounded because this was once again part of my identity.
(We’ve yet to see whether this is going to be consistent, and whether I’ll lapse into not-going-to-the-gym again, but for the moment that’s not yet decided).
When you lift, you want to be stable, firm, well-balanced and grounded. You want heavy feet anchoring you to the ground so the rest of your body can defy gravity. Walking home with the contract felt right.
The familiar ache: (3-Oct-2021)
I set my alarm for 6:30 and really did not want to leave my bed. But by 6:41 I was on my way downstairs. I left the gym at 8:01 am and stared out at a beautiful morning. All the equipment and actions felt familiar, and I knew I was back on track.
It was a long road, but it felt like the start of a journey and a catalyst for growth. I felt the familiar aches in my back and shoulders and knew it was starting again.
The Routine: (10-Oct-2021)
The third time’s a charm. After a quick check with the physio, I fell back into a regular routine. It’s tough, it’s stressful, and I don’t want to — but I did it anyway.
The Midday: (13-Oct-2021)
Rather than miss a workout, I actually snuck downstairs in the middle of a long workday to work out. I worked later that evening, but it felt good to clock the exercise
Doing A Show: Anxiety
(1-Oct-2021)
I hosted a brief student showcase for my comedy students. I felt nervous when the audience wasn’t laughing, when they were silent and staring at me on the stage. I made a few jokes, but the audience didn’t bite, and I got nervous.
Later on, I realised it was my ego speaking. I wanted to be the star of the show, the funniest person — but it wasn’t my show to star in. And when I saw the students happy with their performance, I realised it was The Voice of the Saboteur distracting me and making me uncertain.
Pride/Satisfaction in Teaching
(1-Oct-2021)
My students made people laugh. We had a bit of an illegal gathering during the debrief, but everybody was super happy with their performance and couldn’t wait to do it again.
Seeing students be confident, making people laugh, and owning the stage — letting out the best parts of their personalities, unafraid and unworried — that felt amazing. Pride’s the wrong word, I take no credit for their success, but I felt happy that they were there on the journey.
(6-Oct-2021)
I had a beer with a student – he was 60 , close to retiring, and had tons of fun. We talked through what worked and what didn’t for him and the moments he enjoyed.
Hearing the moments which made him happy and the way he gushed about the show, I felt like I knew how to structure a class, like some of the moves I made went well.
(8-Oct-2021)
They reached out and asked for another series of classes.
I feel like a champion.
To be honest, I was nervous and self-sabotaging. I intentionally didn’t do any work to set up or produce the set of classes, but the students self-organised, paid their fees, and booked the class. (To be fair, they are all friends and want to hang out with each other, and there’s not much else to do during lockdown).
But they are voting with their time, wallets and hearts, and I feel grateful to have received it.
The Despondence of Job Search
(8-Oct-2021, 13-Oct-2021)
I felt nervous at first, but there was a wash of satisfaction and joy over my face. There is hope! People reached out to interview me ! I might have some value after all!
(4-Oct, 10-Oct, 14-Oct)
Rejection in my email inbox. Again, and again, and again.
Around the 1st of October, I gave up on hopes for a data program I applied for. The application website still says pending, but I Googled and found a forum thread about offers being mailed out.
I searched around on Google and saw someone younger than me, who was on the program, and was hired as a senior manager already. I felt in that moment a great shame and sadness at my lack of career prospects/progression.
(I went on a dating app, and saw their profession was lawyer, and just chickened out. I felt like I had nothing to offer her, and no financial value, which was an unhealthy, Saboteur way to think).
The first rejection felt like a dagger. The rest feel like stabbing a corpse. I even applied for a lowly marketing executive role, but I was denied. With each rejection, it feels more and more like I’m trapped where I am and unable to progress. It bleeds into my day to day work. I’m trying, but I’m not getting out of here; why should I keep trying?