This week, I am reminded of proactive choice [011]
Someone told me about an interesting tactic a workshop facilitator used to encourage participants not to be late. 2 minutes before re-starting, he would play a song — a song that everybdy knew was 2 minutes long. At the end of that 2 minute song, if you were not in your seat, you were late.
The interesting part is, if you were late (so I was told), he would ask you — why are you late? And why did you choose to be late?
Some people would invoke external factors — I had work, I had to take a taxi, I was eating dinner. He would listen, and he would ask: Did you know this would happen? Could you have left earlier?
The only (real) reason you are late is because you chose.
You chose to be late.
One way or another, the workshop facilitator explained, you made a choice. You either chose to leave early, or you chose to be late; you paid the price for a taxi or you paid the price of being late.
It’s a great story about choice and free will and intentionality. Look, people have lives, sometimes things really happen, and I don’t worry so much if people are late.
But most of the times, it’s true — they made a choice to be okay with being late.
Agency and Integrity
I’ve been seeing my therapist since more than four years ago. He saw me at my worst, through three jobs and three years’ struggling with self worth, anger issues, relating to my parents, hurting myself, loathing myself, devaluing and debasing myself, and denigrating myself because of my job.
One thing I appreciate is that he takes notes and remembers.
One of the first things he suggested was to rewrite my own story. It’s full of failures, sure, but I am very much someone who keeps trying despite that. There is failure, yes, but more importantly there is the struggle, and I have no fear about hard work or struggle.
Another thing he echoed back to me was my desire for integrity. To keep my promises. To act in accordance with my values, to choose.
That was a fantastic lesson. I choose.
I choose to be invested, to go 100%, to be a full boy scout, to be one of those sit-in-the-front-row answer-every-question do-the-extra-homework teacher.
I choose to own my actions, and therefore my failures, my faults and mistakes. You cannot have my pain; I made those mistakes, I own them, and I own up to them.
(honestly, I could have used some luck — or some mentorship, or some help, or some social assistance — but I could only make a decision based on what I knew, and sometimes that wasn’t very much, and sometimes that wasn’t the best decision, but it’s mine.)
So, I am proactive (the first habit of highly successful people). And I choose.
I choose you.
Eat the chocolate
I like Hans Im Glueck; it’s a German burgerpub. It’s not amazing, but it’s pretty great and very consistent. It’s my ‘safe pair of hands’, one of the most consistent places I’ve been, and a safe choice for first dates.
It’s also pretty damn beautiful:
(I will also admit, the burgers are hearty, the fries are plenty, and the bill is not hefty).
At the end of the set meal, you get a treat; a $5 discount voucher for the next meal, or a small chocolate — one small tiny square of Ritter sport.
On one of those first dates, I came up with a small parable to explain my world view. Life is harsh and bitter and cruel; life is suffering, you can only choose your pain, and my choice is to suffer the pain of the struggle rather than the pain of mediocrity.
But, along the way, you can pause and enjoy yourself. You can savor the small pleasures.
I choose to enjoy the journey rather than the destination. The struggle, rather than the objective.
Eat the chocolate.
Reads & Recommendations:
- Brene Brown’s BRAVING inventory/acronym. I’m not entirely sure which of her it’s from, but it’s a good framework for a healthy, integritous relationship.
- “The best disinfectant is sunlight“.
The quote originally came from a judge remarking about transparency and honesty in government apparently).
I’ve been misquoting and mistelling the story as “the cure for most problems is sunlight” indicating exercise and transparency, but close enough.
Admitting mistakes and being honest is helpful. - The Trojan Horse Affair, an 8-part series about education, government policy, conspiracy, and investigative journalism. Excellent storytelling.