This week, I am thankful for three things I broke [012]
Last night, I tried to withdraw money, but I found that my ATM card had expired.
I was chuffed. I actually used an ATM card all the way to the end, until it actually expired. It was a point of pride for me; that meant at no point did I lose the card, or break it from clumsiness, or drop it in the shower, or used it on a dodgy site and have to cancel because of a weird charge.
I want to be a completionist, but I give up and stop doing things too often (see: the six week gap since [011], the last post). That I finished something made me feel good.
There are other things in my life that I have broken. Instead of rueing their demise, I felt like writing thanks and gratitude, because breaking them means I used them.
1: The Shoes I Use For Weightlifting
I try to lift weights. I’m not very good. Lifting weights is very very hard, and doing this the first thing in the morning is all kinds of distressing and unhappy. Also, getting up is hard.
But to have worn through my pair of weightlifting shoes: that means I properly lifted some weights. I don’t even wear them for anything except lifting weights; I put them on, go lift, and come back home — that’s it.
These are only my second pair of Converse high-tops; but buying a third pair means I am no longer some skinny guy who’s afraid of weights.
I might be becoming a lifter.
Farewell, weightlifting shoes. On to a new pair, and new personal bests.
2: The Earphones I Use For Running (But Also YouTube Yoga And Like Groceries And Mopping The Floor)
First off — if you don’t do yoga, you should, and you should start by going to Yoga With Adriene:
I love earphones, I love podcasts, I love listening to things as I do them. It got so I’d pop in a pair of headphones when I did chores, mopped the floor, cleaned things up.
I even started enjoying groceries or making trips to buy strange things from far away for mom, just because I could also use the time to listen to podcasts.
And at least partly, the reason I love running is the free space and time I get to listen to podcasts. For the last two years, I’ve been wearing these:
Fair warning: they suck. The connection is terrible, the music goes on the fritz whenever you get within 3 metres of a car or an iPhone, the voice saying POWER ON is too loud, and the noise blocking is barely they.
I got them refurbished from Amazon, at half price, and they are still not worth it. I hated them so much I got them refunded — and to end the sordid affair, I couldn’t mail it back to Amazon because the batteries could potentially explode in postage.
So I decided to use them until they wore out. Getting dirty and sweaty? Pop them up. Doing chores and mopping with bleach and soap? Done. Going for a long run followed by YouTube Yoga? Wear em.
I spent two and a half rewarding years with them. They sucked, but damn, they did not quit. I may have walked into the shower with them a few times and they didn’t quit either (which was lucky but a bad idae). They held up until last week, when one side finally failed.
Farewell, ear-hook earphones. You represent my fitness journey for the last two years, and how far I’ve come.
3: The Shoes I Walk Around In Everywhere
I love these shoes. I love these shoes more than my most expensive pair, my most stylish ‘dress’ pair. These are the ones I used to walk around in everywhere.
Nike Free RN Flyknit 3.0. The best pair of shoes I ever found, bar none.
I found it in a bargain bin and got it for like 20% of the price. What I remember was slipping these on my feet and thinking: these feel super comfortable. It’s like I’m walking on cloud cushions. And it’s so easy to wear, too.
I wore them everywhere. Never to run, there was no point. They felt so good to wear in I wore it almost every other day. Long trips, short walks, big days, I wore them.
They became emotional support for me. If I had a tough day, if I was nervous, if I had to do something I dreaded, I would put them on. They felt comfortable, and they literally made me feel comforted — one less thing to worry about, my feet are going to be looked after, and I’d be fine.
Farewell, Nike Free RN Flyknit 3.0. I hate that I’ll never have another pair of you, and every other pair will pale in comparison. But I thank you for all the support (hah) you’ve given me.
I am a broken thing
Broken things aren’t necessarily bad. Sometimes, there’s beauty in the repaired cracks, like kintsugi.
Other times, the ‘break’ simply means it has served its purpose, and served it until the end of its natural lifespan.
I used to lie, and hide, and deny my imperfections. Shame and embarrassment and a need to appear perfect made me pretend I had no weaknesses.
I’m much happier acknowledging I’m a data intern now, than I was bragging about working in a startup in the past. I have flaws, but I am me.
Still, parts of me are broken, and sad sometimes. I could not listen to the opening lines of this song without breaking, and welling up, and crying a bit.
But there’s nothing wrong with being broken.
I fixed me.
I am not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say
‘Cause we don’t want your broken parts
I’ve learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one’ll love you as you are