Today’s micro is a little different. I don’t usually talk about family, but here’s a real problem: I fight with my sister a lot.
It’s sweet, because we’ve been fighting since we were kids. I’d say we actually have a really good relationship; we talk every day, we have genuine affection and care for each other, and we discuss things. An infinite game, and one that’s pleasant for us both, mostly.
Mostly.
We fight because we are different people, and fundamentally, we love each other too much not to just ignore or cut each other out of our lives. But we fight hard and fierce and angry and loud.
Today was one of those fights; that old familial sting.
To my thinking, she was on my case all day, yelling at me for no good reason, and giving me a hard time, taking it out on me.
To her thinking, she was just going about her day as per usual, when suddenly I lost my rag with her, called her a monster, and and accused her of things she didn’t do, slights she didn’t intend, disrespect she didn’t try to give.
In the end, she was right: we both ended up with our day ruined. I disagree with her, though, I probably ruined it for both of us.
I can’t change her. I can’t blame her, and even though I do, I shouldn’t. I can only blame myself for taking offence, being triggered, feeling disrespected — where did that come from? that ego! — or feeling like she talks to me with contempt and scorn.
She said, “Maybe you were the one with the grudge, the stress, that made it worse and about yourself”. Maybe that’s true or it isn’t. I should get better at letting out steam and not letting it build up or fester.
RULES FOR CHANGING MYSELF
- If in doubt, assume no malice; no scorn; no contempt.
I will blindly trust and not question her intentions. I will assume only love (and, say, partial deafness leading to raised voices) on her part. I will clarify if I have doubt if she’s upset, but I will - Work on emotional capacity and depth. Breathe first.
Ironically, my desires for her were what I try to do, but utterly failed to this time:
Instead of yelling, try to ask for what you want or explain the better outcome you want to be.
Try to move the universe towards a better, more positive place than before.
After all, try to manipulate everybody so that everybody is in a happier, more pleasant place. Net positive emotional gain.
I failed (you’ll hear this a lot) to do this today because I may have emotions from elsewhere — stress, preoccupation, etc. If I have more emotional capacity, I’ll be able to handle it, but also for every outcome I shall breathe before I react. - Acknowledge when I am unhappy earlier, and ask for help.